“That was the only thing I saw before I woke up. I feel terrible, like it was my fault.”
It just clicked. Steven had been dreaming of me. He had complete control over this dream until I jumped. I changed the feel of the conversation.
“No worries. It’s not like I’m hurt or anything.” I waited a minute to see if he would reply. Nothing. I grinned as if I was a naughty school girl looking to get an A on the next test. “So what were you dreaming about before I jumped?”
I don’t think I could ever imagine a boy getting so red and flustered. He wouldn’t look at me. I thought I was going to get some playfulness out of him, but he just excused himself to do some homework. Wow. Good going Kisslah! Must you never get married? Mother will be angry once she finds out that you will be a permanent addition to her house. All of your friends are hooked up, yet you’re still a lonely and bitter murderer whose degree of killing has not yet been discovered. I sighed as I watched the sun set then remembered I was supposed to meet Burnette for dinner.
Dinner With Burnie
The Crooked Arrow was the best café in town. They had slammin’ milkshakes, steaming cheeseburgers, and pie that could make the sun shine on any girl’s rainy day. The deck up top was clean and bright orange. The tables always had fresh flowers, and my reserved table always had lilies. I didn’t really know who decided that I was worthy of a special table, but the attention was nice. We always got great service there because we were good friends with the cook, Shanna’s dad. He was a hefty man, about two hundred some-odd-pounds and six foot tall. Some are disgusted with people who are overweight, thinking that they lose themselves and divulge too heavily in gluttony. I’ve always believed to never trust a skinny cook. If he doesn’t eat, how will he know what tastes good?
I walked in to see him leaning over the counter with a cheesy grin. He always had a joke on the tip of his tongue, and a smile never strayed far from his lips.
“Hey Kisslah! How’s it been?”
“Oh Charlie, I guess it’s okay.” He chuckled, and his gut shook like a bubble ready to pop.
“Just ok? Well, what can I do to make things better? Pie? Milkshake? You name it, and it’s on the house, honey.”
“Hmmm… have you made any cheesecake today?” I eyed the glass enclosure like a hawk. Charlie’s cheesecake was the best in town. Actually, make that in the whole country.
“Yes ma’am. Some cherry cheesecake coming right up. I kept it in the back just for this reason. I knew I would need to cheer someone up today.”
I smiled on the outside, but pouted on the inside. Why couldn’t I have a dad like Charlie to make everything better when I was having a rough time? Oh yeah, that’s right. I probably killed my father. The flowers at the bar faded to black with the thought of my nonexistent family. Charlie came back with a big slice of cheesecake. Okay, this is getting better. He took the dead flowers—thinking nothing of it—and threw them away. He had never known about my weird flaw. He winked and got back to his kitchen duties. Mmmm… cheesecake.
I was feeling better by the time Burnette walked in with a worried look on her face. Her phone was pushed up against her face like a magnet, and she looked all disfigured trying to hold it with one shoulder while the other slumped low with the weight of the books in her satchel. Of course, she was a business major, and she was perfect at it. Her long brown hair was pulled back into a librarian’s bun, but there was some sticking out on the sides to make it look messy. She wore a black pencil skirt with a white button-down shirt and a blazer with silver accents over that. Her silver heels showed off her stilt-like legs, and her loop earrings made me laugh. She has this obsession with large earrings because her boyfriend said something about her ears being a little on the large side one time. She thinks that big earrings will make them look smaller and more feminine.
She threw her satchel on the counter. “I heard what you did,” she accused with her bright brown eyes. Her eyebrows came down low and shaded them from catching the light and sparkling.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Dreamy
“Why do you care so much,” I prodded.
“Well I’m curious for one thing, and I had a dream last night about you jumping off of the tower. I didn’t think it was anything, so I wasn’t going to talk to you about it. You would think I was weird.”
“Weird. Yeah. I would pin that description on you,” I said sarcastically. “I’m the one who jumped from the tower and didn’t die. I’m the one who keeps killing everything.”
“Killing everything?” he repeated. This boy was in for a good freak-out. I took in a deep breath getting ready to blow his mind.
“Every time I get the least bit angry or scared or sad or any other negative feeling, something bad happens in my surrounding environment. It’s like I can’t control it. My emotions get the best of me, and then they get the best of something else.”
I looked at him to try to glean some type of response from his facial features—nothing. I waved my hand in front of his face. He seized it gently and uncovered a serious question poised on his lips. “Have you ever killed a person,” he asked curiously, though his clammy hand said he already guessed I was guilty.
My eyes averted, and I tried to think of something besides the sadness that overwhelmed me at the moment. “I don’t really know for sure,” I said with a short sniffle. I looked out at the half-withered garden just in time to see the greenery wilt to no return. Steven saw it too. Then he looked at himself half-expecting his own body to shrivel into a dead mess.
“How do you not know something like that?”
“I’ve blacked out a couple of times after losing my temper. When I woke up, I didn’t see the people who were there before. There’s no way of telling if I did or not because I was at a train station. People come and go. You know?”
He squeezed my hand, which surprisingly I had forgotten he still held hostage. I thought about yanking it back. He shouldn’t be touching me anyway; I could be a monster. I looked at his face just to catch his blue eyes finding mine like a lover found a lost mate. WTF? That was all I could think. This guy, who could have anyone he wants, looks like he has taken an interest in me—a person who can kill anything but herself. But of course, I looked away, highly doubting that my mind could even be close to judging things right.
“I do know.” He looked like he wanted to say something. His eyebrows hovered low over his darkened eyes, and he pursed his lips. I waited patiently and silently while he worked things out in his head.
“I have these dreams,” he admitted with the same look on his face that my dog, Zeus, had right after he completely destroyed my new pair of All Stars. I really just wanted to kick him out of my room that night, but his pleading eyes made me change my mind and let him snuggle in the covers with me.
I snapped back to the puppy dog at hand. I would let him snuggle with me no matter how bad he had been. I looked at Steven while trying to hide the dirty thoughts that were probably making some sort of appearance on my face. He looked at me waiting for a response.
“What’s wrong with dreaming?”
“Well there’s a strange twist with my dreams. My mom and dad used to fight a lot when I was younger, so when I went to lay down I would start imagining a sort of movie in my head. I had complete control of it at first, but when I fell asleep everything took its own path. Then, the next day or next week, the dream would come true in some fashion or form. My dreams have never gone awry until today.”
“Wait… Are you saying that you knew I was going to jump?”
“Well I’m curious for one thing, and I had a dream last night about you jumping off of the tower. I didn’t think it was anything, so I wasn’t going to talk to you about it. You would think I was weird.”
“Weird. Yeah. I would pin that description on you,” I said sarcastically. “I’m the one who jumped from the tower and didn’t die. I’m the one who keeps killing everything.”
“Killing everything?” he repeated. This boy was in for a good freak-out. I took in a deep breath getting ready to blow his mind.
“Every time I get the least bit angry or scared or sad or any other negative feeling, something bad happens in my surrounding environment. It’s like I can’t control it. My emotions get the best of me, and then they get the best of something else.”
I looked at him to try to glean some type of response from his facial features—nothing. I waved my hand in front of his face. He seized it gently and uncovered a serious question poised on his lips. “Have you ever killed a person,” he asked curiously, though his clammy hand said he already guessed I was guilty.
My eyes averted, and I tried to think of something besides the sadness that overwhelmed me at the moment. “I don’t really know for sure,” I said with a short sniffle. I looked out at the half-withered garden just in time to see the greenery wilt to no return. Steven saw it too. Then he looked at himself half-expecting his own body to shrivel into a dead mess.
“How do you not know something like that?”
“I’ve blacked out a couple of times after losing my temper. When I woke up, I didn’t see the people who were there before. There’s no way of telling if I did or not because I was at a train station. People come and go. You know?”
He squeezed my hand, which surprisingly I had forgotten he still held hostage. I thought about yanking it back. He shouldn’t be touching me anyway; I could be a monster. I looked at his face just to catch his blue eyes finding mine like a lover found a lost mate. WTF? That was all I could think. This guy, who could have anyone he wants, looks like he has taken an interest in me—a person who can kill anything but herself. But of course, I looked away, highly doubting that my mind could even be close to judging things right.
“I do know.” He looked like he wanted to say something. His eyebrows hovered low over his darkened eyes, and he pursed his lips. I waited patiently and silently while he worked things out in his head.
“I have these dreams,” he admitted with the same look on his face that my dog, Zeus, had right after he completely destroyed my new pair of All Stars. I really just wanted to kick him out of my room that night, but his pleading eyes made me change my mind and let him snuggle in the covers with me.
I snapped back to the puppy dog at hand. I would let him snuggle with me no matter how bad he had been. I looked at Steven while trying to hide the dirty thoughts that were probably making some sort of appearance on my face. He looked at me waiting for a response.
“What’s wrong with dreaming?”
“Well there’s a strange twist with my dreams. My mom and dad used to fight a lot when I was younger, so when I went to lay down I would start imagining a sort of movie in my head. I had complete control of it at first, but when I fell asleep everything took its own path. Then, the next day or next week, the dream would come true in some fashion or form. My dreams have never gone awry until today.”
“Wait… Are you saying that you knew I was going to jump?”
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Butterflies
“I don’t remember what happened. I just remember walking to class and seeing Steven. I don’t even remember how I could’ve gotten on the ground,” I lied.
Steven started to say something. “I thought you had class at…” He trailed off as I shot a mean glance his way.
The nurse looked me over, quickly examining me and looking like she had better things to do.
“Okay. Well there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with you. No cuts or bruises. Do you have any pain at all?”
“No, I feel fine,” I answered truthfully.
I walked with Steven out of the office after giving some other information to the nurse. “You didn’t have class. What were you doing,” he questioned.
“I… I don’t know. I was taking a brisk walk to ease my mind of some things. Is that okay Dad,” I teased.
“Yeah. I mean, I’m not trying to intrude or anything. I was just worried about you.” He was serious. His eyebrows were raised, and his tone was slightly defensive. I felt bad.
“I’m sorry. I’ve just been having a tough time lately and…”
“I saw you,” he interrupted. “I saw you jump and everything. I ran over as soon as I saw you do it. You weren’t bleeding or hurt or crying, so I decided to play it cool. But, I can’t play like I didn’t see that. It was crazy, insane even. I can’t believe what I saw. You have to convince me I’m not crazy by telling me the truth.”
He looked at me with pleading eyes. I hadn’t even shared the secrets of my past with my so called best friend. “You must be crazy! I didn’t jump. Why would I jump?”
He looked at me knowingly. His eyes peered into my soul and dug for information. “Are you busy right now,” he asked me. He wanted something: the truth. He was doing that hypnotic thing with his eyes again.
“No,” I answered without even thinking.
“Come with me.”
I followed him to the patio at the back of my dorm building. The flowers and shrubs that grew there withered slightly as we passed. I pretended not to see. He pulled a chair out for me, and I automatically melted into a mush when his eyes met mine. I had to tell him. Maybe then he would stop enticing me and move on to something better once he realized how much of a loser I was.
He started interrogating me. “I know you weren’t going to class because it was three and your classes end at one.”
“Oh yeah? Where’d you find that out?”
His eyes got wide. “I see you around, and I’m observant.”
“So you’re a creeper, huh?” I giggled.
“No. I just… I’ve noticed you… around… you’re very pretty… I heard you tell someone that you had your last class at one. So what?”
I froze. I reddened. I did a little happy dance inside. Steven Hade just called me pretty. I looked at my feet. Words were just not an option right now. I forced out an “Oh.”
He quickly realized I was feeling uncomfortable and changed the subject. “Anyway, what happened? Did you really jump from Riddell Tower?”
I nodded my head, still in a trance from what I had just heard. “Kisslah?” My name slid off his lips like a magic spell commanding me to lean in for more. “I want to help you, but I can’t unless you explain what the hell is going on.”
I snapped into reality. I had just jumped from a 100-foot tower and lived to tell about it (not that I should tell anyone). Steven really wanted to help though. I could see it in his caring eyes. He was truly worried about me, yet he hardly knew me.
Steven started to say something. “I thought you had class at…” He trailed off as I shot a mean glance his way.
The nurse looked me over, quickly examining me and looking like she had better things to do.
“Okay. Well there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with you. No cuts or bruises. Do you have any pain at all?”
“No, I feel fine,” I answered truthfully.
I walked with Steven out of the office after giving some other information to the nurse. “You didn’t have class. What were you doing,” he questioned.
“I… I don’t know. I was taking a brisk walk to ease my mind of some things. Is that okay Dad,” I teased.
“Yeah. I mean, I’m not trying to intrude or anything. I was just worried about you.” He was serious. His eyebrows were raised, and his tone was slightly defensive. I felt bad.
“I’m sorry. I’ve just been having a tough time lately and…”
“I saw you,” he interrupted. “I saw you jump and everything. I ran over as soon as I saw you do it. You weren’t bleeding or hurt or crying, so I decided to play it cool. But, I can’t play like I didn’t see that. It was crazy, insane even. I can’t believe what I saw. You have to convince me I’m not crazy by telling me the truth.”
He looked at me with pleading eyes. I hadn’t even shared the secrets of my past with my so called best friend. “You must be crazy! I didn’t jump. Why would I jump?”
He looked at me knowingly. His eyes peered into my soul and dug for information. “Are you busy right now,” he asked me. He wanted something: the truth. He was doing that hypnotic thing with his eyes again.
“No,” I answered without even thinking.
“Come with me.”
I followed him to the patio at the back of my dorm building. The flowers and shrubs that grew there withered slightly as we passed. I pretended not to see. He pulled a chair out for me, and I automatically melted into a mush when his eyes met mine. I had to tell him. Maybe then he would stop enticing me and move on to something better once he realized how much of a loser I was.
He started interrogating me. “I know you weren’t going to class because it was three and your classes end at one.”
“Oh yeah? Where’d you find that out?”
His eyes got wide. “I see you around, and I’m observant.”
“So you’re a creeper, huh?” I giggled.
“No. I just… I’ve noticed you… around… you’re very pretty… I heard you tell someone that you had your last class at one. So what?”
I froze. I reddened. I did a little happy dance inside. Steven Hade just called me pretty. I looked at my feet. Words were just not an option right now. I forced out an “Oh.”
He quickly realized I was feeling uncomfortable and changed the subject. “Anyway, what happened? Did you really jump from Riddell Tower?”
I nodded my head, still in a trance from what I had just heard. “Kisslah?” My name slid off his lips like a magic spell commanding me to lean in for more. “I want to help you, but I can’t unless you explain what the hell is going on.”
I snapped into reality. I had just jumped from a 100-foot tower and lived to tell about it (not that I should tell anyone). Steven really wanted to help though. I could see it in his caring eyes. He was truly worried about me, yet he hardly knew me.
Monday, January 11, 2010
End This
I walked swiftly around the corner and paused when I saw Riddell Tower standing tall and inviting. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take the pain that lurked like my shadow, always following me, always reminding me. That fateful day crowded my head like a full elevator trapping people inside. There was no way around it. Unless…
I stared at the door of Riddell. There was only one way to end the sickness that plagued my thoughts and actions. As I paced forward to begin such an unacceptable deed, a wave of black birds washed out of the overhang of the door. I screamed with all my might as I had the day when everything changed. THUD. THUD. THUD. I didn’t look back. I knew that feathers were floating to the ground behind me following the death of their owners. I walked in, not even second thinking what I was about to do. It was decided.
The stairway seemed to take forever to climb. It lured me up. One by one it felt as if the stairs faded away into blackness after I carefully stepped to the next one. There was no turning back; this had to be done. As I reached the bell tower, I stopped. Maybe a prayer would help me.
Lord, please take this away. I’m not sure if what I’m about to do is right in your book, but it’s the only answer I can think of. I hope you understand and forgive me.
That should suffice. Now, for the grand finale. I looked down from the edge of the tower of doom. The tower that had always loomed over my life at this hellhole of a college. It stands here as a constant reminder of the unbelievable death of a young girl who was destined for greatness. Her name was Melissa Mage, and she was loved by everyone on campus at that time. The power of love had taken her too far. Shortly after she got engaged to a boy, he died in a terrible car accident. The loss was unbearable for her, and she jumped from the tower to her death. Surely, what I was about to do would change the entire meaning of this tower. After me it would be known as the Tower of Good Riddance.
The ground looked farther away than before, and I swayed. Forget trying to steady myself now. I was going to do it anyway. I let it take me down with the wind blowing soft in my hair. It felt just like floating on a gentle breeze. The air folded me in like a comforting blanket. THUD. I hit the ground just like the birds. I didn’t feel a thing. Was I dead? If I was dead, death was really boring. I still felt the pain of my past; I didn’t feel any pain of the fall though. Weird. Death was dark, and it wasn’t the relief I dreamed it would be. It was dark nothingness full of blankness and blah.
“Open your eyes Kisslah. Are you okay? What are you doing on the ground in the middle of campus?” Is that you God? Am I really still on campus, except like a campus of death or something? This really isn’t what I expected. I opened my eyes and the darkness lifted. I couldn’t believe who I saw standing before me.
“Steven? What are you doing here?” He stood like a beautiful statue staring down at me with helpful blue eyes that pulled me in like an ocean undertow. The dimples on his cheeks made him seem like an innocent youth, but his sideways smirk offered that he had more on his mind than boyish fantasies. His hair was dirty blonde and long enough so that it covered his eyes and ears mysteriously but not to the point of looking like hygiene was an unknown value. He had perfect muscles bulging from underneath his shirt, but he was slender. All of the girls on campus looked his way; I knew I never stood a chance. If I was in heaven, this is what I pictured it to be like.
I never replied to him; instead, I stared at him in a hypnotic trance. He picked me up as if I was a cherry ripe for his picking. I didn’t complain as he carried me through the threshold of the nurse’s office and set me on the couch. I watched as he called the nurse telling her that he found me face down on the ground. Steven was oh-so-perfect. I stared at him until he looked back at me. I was quick to look away, and then I felt like a total creeper. The nurse made her way over to me asking what happened. What had happened? Hadn’t I jumped off of Riddell Tower? Hadn’t I tried to kill myself?
I stared at the door of Riddell. There was only one way to end the sickness that plagued my thoughts and actions. As I paced forward to begin such an unacceptable deed, a wave of black birds washed out of the overhang of the door. I screamed with all my might as I had the day when everything changed. THUD. THUD. THUD. I didn’t look back. I knew that feathers were floating to the ground behind me following the death of their owners. I walked in, not even second thinking what I was about to do. It was decided.
The stairway seemed to take forever to climb. It lured me up. One by one it felt as if the stairs faded away into blackness after I carefully stepped to the next one. There was no turning back; this had to be done. As I reached the bell tower, I stopped. Maybe a prayer would help me.
Lord, please take this away. I’m not sure if what I’m about to do is right in your book, but it’s the only answer I can think of. I hope you understand and forgive me.
That should suffice. Now, for the grand finale. I looked down from the edge of the tower of doom. The tower that had always loomed over my life at this hellhole of a college. It stands here as a constant reminder of the unbelievable death of a young girl who was destined for greatness. Her name was Melissa Mage, and she was loved by everyone on campus at that time. The power of love had taken her too far. Shortly after she got engaged to a boy, he died in a terrible car accident. The loss was unbearable for her, and she jumped from the tower to her death. Surely, what I was about to do would change the entire meaning of this tower. After me it would be known as the Tower of Good Riddance.
The ground looked farther away than before, and I swayed. Forget trying to steady myself now. I was going to do it anyway. I let it take me down with the wind blowing soft in my hair. It felt just like floating on a gentle breeze. The air folded me in like a comforting blanket. THUD. I hit the ground just like the birds. I didn’t feel a thing. Was I dead? If I was dead, death was really boring. I still felt the pain of my past; I didn’t feel any pain of the fall though. Weird. Death was dark, and it wasn’t the relief I dreamed it would be. It was dark nothingness full of blankness and blah.
“Open your eyes Kisslah. Are you okay? What are you doing on the ground in the middle of campus?” Is that you God? Am I really still on campus, except like a campus of death or something? This really isn’t what I expected. I opened my eyes and the darkness lifted. I couldn’t believe who I saw standing before me.
“Steven? What are you doing here?” He stood like a beautiful statue staring down at me with helpful blue eyes that pulled me in like an ocean undertow. The dimples on his cheeks made him seem like an innocent youth, but his sideways smirk offered that he had more on his mind than boyish fantasies. His hair was dirty blonde and long enough so that it covered his eyes and ears mysteriously but not to the point of looking like hygiene was an unknown value. He had perfect muscles bulging from underneath his shirt, but he was slender. All of the girls on campus looked his way; I knew I never stood a chance. If I was in heaven, this is what I pictured it to be like.
I never replied to him; instead, I stared at him in a hypnotic trance. He picked me up as if I was a cherry ripe for his picking. I didn’t complain as he carried me through the threshold of the nurse’s office and set me on the couch. I watched as he called the nurse telling her that he found me face down on the ground. Steven was oh-so-perfect. I stared at him until he looked back at me. I was quick to look away, and then I felt like a total creeper. The nurse made her way over to me asking what happened. What had happened? Hadn’t I jumped off of Riddell Tower? Hadn’t I tried to kill myself?
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